. . . what's going on right now.

I am in a very odd state of mind. sort of dazed, out-of-it, winding down and just generally exhaling a lot. I am tired but don't want to sleep, possibly because I've been having extremely vivid and strange and disturbing dreams lately that I can't quite remember aren't true even once I wake up. and I have exams tomorrow and I am stressing but only on a deep internal level. on the outside I am calm and disaffected.

I have realized that I am still quite disillusioned with university life. and that bothers me, because I want to be having a good time. I'm 3/8ths of the way finished, and almost wishing I hadn't started. things here just seem very worthless, in the grand scheme. and with such a perspective, it's hard to apply proper effort and enthusiasm.

I think I just miss talking to a couple people, who have been understandably out of touch lately because life is busy. but I am selfish and wish they were around.

I haven't written/drawn anything in a long time. my creative energies are recovering from NaNoWriMo. and I am . . . despondent. that's a good word for how I feel. grim pragmatism and weariness don't make a good combination.

it's almost the winter break, and I really need it. I hope winter has come to you, wherever you are, with snow and crisp blue skies. it's dark and icy and wind-blown up here, and the days are very short.

I am in need of renewal.
-A.

. . . just stay in school."
-The Roches, "Hammond Song"

well today was awful.

I am getting somewhere between 3 and 5 hours of sleep a night. add that to 20 credits, piano lessons, choir, karate, and 2 jobs and you get stress. lots of stress. and the fact that my mind has ceased to function in the same way that normal people's minds do.

I can't do this anymore.
I need to get off-campus.
conveniently, I am headed about 180 miles south tomorrow for a few days.

as you could probably infer, because you are all bright and talented people, I have had zero time to work on things that make me happy, i.e. writing/drawing. I'm trying to plan out a NaNoWriMo story, but in all honesty I won't have time for it. haven't written poetry in weeks. But For the Grace Go I sits on my desktop, glaring at me, saying "write my epilogue and tie up the plot-holes!" and I have so many things I want to be doing, but school is eating my life. I don't really know what to do about that. somehow I thought being an English-Creative Writing major would mean having more time to write, so I can work on putting something together with the goal of publishing it. apparently not.

-A.

. . . is not my friend.

aaagh. these have started to consume my life haha. blame free N.Y.T. in the student center and random hours between classes.

have been back on campus for about 3 weeks now. still trying to figure out my life. busy surviving the plague going around. on the bright side, teachers are all "if you feel sick, please do not come to class and infect the rest of us" so classes are fairly leisurely and attendance standards have dropped. I haven't missed anything yet.

headed home in a week to see some people and eat some real food. apparently paprika is a foreign ingredient up here.

I am ready for autumn. though short-lived, it's beautiful 'round these parts.


--A.

. . . "I can remember much forgetfulness."


leaving on Saturday. headed north for a while. mixed feelings about all that. summer isn't my favorite season, but I like the induced laziness and the calm feelings that come with it.

I feel like I've failed a lot of goals this summer. but I think I learned a lot, too. I'm pretty secure in who I am and where I'm headed, so it's all right by me if it takes me a little longer to get there.

(or at least, that's what I keep telling myself.)

to those of you I got to see while I was home - it was fun. glad we could make some new memories together.

to those of you I didn't get to see - hope your summers went well, and weren't full of failures. stay in touch this fall, ok?

I need to go and do something productive for myself, as opposed to doing productive things for other people. the latter is how I've been spending most of my days lately. june feels like years ago. and I feel very old for my age, compared to other people. I guess I always have, but now it's really becoming apparent. maybe that's why I enjoy playgrounds and water guns and acting like I'm 5 again - it helps me relate. hmm.

stick around. I might have some new stuff up soon.

A.